The Holiday Swing

The holidays can be a roller coaster:  one minute, you’re enjoying the decorations, the sweets, the feeling of warmth, and some of the music (I never get tired of hearing “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire—”). Next thing you know, you’re sad. Really sad.

So what’s up? Is there something wrong with you? 

Only if there’s something wrong with being human. (If those swings persist, though, you might want to talk with a counselor.) 

Chances are, some old pain surfaced: a couple walking by reminded you of holidays with your old sweetheart, a card reminded you of a friend who has passed on, a family album on social media reminded you of the one you wish you had.

And now what?   

One holiday as I was walking into a party, carrying a couple bottles of Martinelli’s (there’s usually plenty of alcohol, and sometimes people don’t feel like drinking), I said hello to a woman I know slightly. She turned around and the first words out of her mouth were,“Why are you so dressed up?  You look like you just came from temple.” 

“Why did you say that?” I asked. 

She looked at me and said, “Relax. Have some Martinelli’s.”

Translation: Have a drink. Nothing wrong with that, for most of us. But the message was, “Ignore the dig I just gave you.” (And you could say the crack about Martinelli’s was a second one: “Why aren’t you drinking?”)

No fun, and I decided to keep my distance from her. But who knows? Maybe she was just having a rough time herself.

Back to you: having feelings about things people do or memories that surface is normal.  But sometimes you can feel at a loss as to what to do next. Here are some ideas.

1.      Give yourself some time to reflect. 

Sometimes just sitting in a café with a cup of tea is all it takes to feel restored. If the café is too noisy, try the library or a nice spot at home. (If you’re at a party, duck into the bathroom.)

2.     Listen to music that soothes you. 

For some it’s “moldy oldies,” for others, it’s classical music, and some find hip-hop or heavy metal do the trick.  Whatever kind of music makes you feel like yourself again, put some on.

3.     Consider the company you keep.

One of the fastest tickets to the blues is to try to connect with people who don’t value your company.  Take the hint, and take a break.  It may not be a permanent one.  Sometimes it’s just not a fit for you right now.  And while you’re trying to connect with that one person or group that doesn’t respond, you’re missing your real “Amen Corner.” 

Even within your circle of friends, you’re not always going to connect.  In Necessary Losses, Judith Viorst told us, “Even the best of friends are only friends in spots.”  So when you need a comforting word, the friend who tells you that you think too much is probably not the best bet.  By the same token, when you know you need to get off the dime, that’s exactly the number to call.

4.     Remember, “Compare and Despair.”

Another source of needless distress is comparing yourself to someone else.  (If you’re plagued by comparisons, watch your time on social media—it can magnify this problem.)  I once mentioned to a friend that a couple I knew had a great relationship.

“You’re not inside that marriage,” I was reminded.

The same holds true for the others you observe, whether they’re acquaintances or those with their names in lights.  Who knows what challenges the other person is facing?  And in any case, the only one who gets to lead your life is you.  Give that life your full attention.

5.     Get physical.

Go for a walk. Do some yoga. Lift weights. Whatever form of exercise works for you, do it. You might even dance.

“Dance? The way I feel right now?”

Precisely. Remember, the tarantella was a really fast dance created to sweat out the poison of the tarantula. Emotion certainly isn’t poisonous, but the effect of movement on mood is quite amazing. The same goes for singing.

6.     Laugh yourself silly.

Love the Marx Brothers? Lily Tomlin? Fran Lebowitz? David Sedaris?  Pick up a book or put on a CD and let yourself laugh. There’s a reason they say, “Laughter is the best medicine.”

7.     Cry.

“Cry?  I thought this was about getting over feeling down in the dumps.”

It is. You’d be amazed what just letting yourself cry can do (just do a search for the science supporting how a good cry releases toxins from the system), how you can suddenly breathe again—and move on.

8.     Ask yourself three questions.

“Who Loves You?”

The title character of the show Kojak routinely asked that question of people—sarcastically. But it turns out to be a really useful thing to think about when you’re down. Remember the people who have said they love you, whether directly or through their actions. Make a note of kindness shown you, in word or deed, by people you wouldn’t necessarily call friends, just people who treated you with warmth or generosity when your paths crossed. You could even note loving things you’ve seen one person do to another. Draw on all this when you’re feeling low—it's money in the emotional bank.

         “Who Do You Love?”

Think of people who might need a shoulder to cry on, or just a listening ear. Is there someone who might benefit from a ride to the doctor? A trip grocery shopping? Look for opportunities in the community to be of service, and watch your mood soar as you help others.

         “What Do You Know?”

Montaigne said the best cure for sadness was to learn something new. Is there a language you’ve been wanting to learn? An instrument you’d love to play? The world has a lot to offer. Where do you want to grow?

 

©2015 Laynie Tzena.